I had blood drawn today. The nurse said that if I got nervous I should turn my head away. Four months ago I might've, but not today. I wanted to see it. Not for some masochistic reason, just because I wanted to see it. To know the way that blood flowed through my veins. I no longer shy away from pain. I want everything to come at me full force, be it good or bad. It's like the way I will smoke a cigarette till the very last second. I want to feel it hot on my lips, burning in my throat. It's in the same way that when Erika drives recklessly that I'm extremely curious to know what it would feel like to crash into another car-- just to feel the jolt. Four months ago I would have said, 'maybe you should go slow, there's a possibility we might get hurt.'